People To Invite On Your Multi-Day River Trip
A good river trip is all about teamwork, preparation, and making sure someone else is responsible for forgetting the toilet paper. If you want to guarantee maximum chaos (and maybe even some actual fun), make sure you invite these essential personalities on your next multi-day.
The Gear Fixer
Owns at least three drysuits (but only ever wears the newest one), a cooler that costs more than your rent, and a titanium spork “for weight savings.” Will absolutely side-eye your Walmart camp chair and non name branded camp cup. As a bonus you won't forget anything be cause this person will bring it all.
The "No Need To Scout" Guy
“It totally goes!” is their catchphrase, right before you all high-side onto a rock. Never actually knows the line, but delivers their beta with extreme confidence.
Yeeehaw!!
The Firewood Scavenger
Armed with a plethora of folding saws and a hatchet on belt there will always be fire. Gets to camp and immediately disappears and reappears with a cord of wood. Assures the group that “there’s always driftwood” and will 100% be seen trying to burn a soggy log the size of a small car while everyone else gives up and goes to bed.
Claims to not be a pyromaniac.
The Camp Chef Who's Too Ambitious
Shows up with a tower of Dutch ovens, five pounds of onions, and a dream. The meal takes four hours to cook and somehow involves flambéing. By the time it’s done, half the group is already asleep, and the other half is just eating peanut butter straight from the jar via headlamp. If you do make it to dinner it is probably really good.
Hope it's tasty.
"I Just Got Into Fly Fishing"
Brings five rods, a full tackle box, and a “trout whisperer” attitude. Spends more time asking when's a good time to fish and untangling their line than actually fishing. Will disappear for hours, only to return empty-handed but full of stories about “the one that got away.” Watch out flying hooks at all times around this person.
Almost got one!
The Overly Stoked Newbie
Brings the energy, the enthusiasm, and absolutely none of the gear. Has no idea how to rig a boat but will happily give you a motivational speech while you tie down their dry bag for them. Often has multi bags of costumes and is always wearing something shinny, flashy, and absurd. Often not too interested in learning how to actually help.
Who wants face glitter??
The One Who Runs Everything Backwards
They call it “style.” The rest of the group calls it “a rescue waiting to happen.”
Style Points!!
Playlist Guy
Breaks out the speaker at first light in camp and forces everyone to listen to his “River Vibes” playlist. The music will go on until you turn it off in the middle of the night because it is still playing in the chair circle. Will try to convince you that Jimmy Buffett is the ultimate paddling music.
The Ultra-Minimalist
Brought nothing but a low float PFD and good vibes. Will “borrow” sunscreen, snacks, a sleeping pad, and probably your extra fleece. Will also be the first person to complain when it gets cold or starts raining. As long as you invited the Gear Fixer you should probably be ok.
Will certainly be sitting in your chair at camp.
Honorable Mention: The One Who Invited You On This Trip
If you don’t recognize any of these people in your crew… it’s probably you.
So, who are we missing? Drop your favorite “essential” river personalities in the comments! And happy April Fools’—if your trip actually includes all of these people, well… good luck."
